Hello everyone,
I thought that I would do kind of an update / Annual Holiday letter
I am trying to remember this season is not about me, not about Roger, not about anyone or thing except the child that was born on Christmas day to save us.
This Christmas I am more aware than ever it is not in the tree or the gifts we buy and give or the families that get together or don't get together. This season will come and go like they all do.
I would like to have all of you who read this take a small moment not think of Roger and I in a sorrowful way. We are making the most out of our time together, as small as it may be now. Roger's world gets smaller every day and he is slipping away from me and from you all. Please don't take the unreturned phone calls to heart.
You all know how much Roger loves his friends and he will continue to love you way beyond this and so will I.
Ken, Roger's son is here again to be with his Dad. Hospice will come this week and hopefully help his son understand this process of which we will all face at one time or another in our lives.
Roger's life is very simple now....He is loosing strength in his legs and pretty soon will not be able to walk.
As far as seeing him.....I urge you to call me and go thru me now......Feel free to call me 303-517-6324 cell. I will let you know his status.
People ask what they can do, but there is really nothing anyone can do, but to live their lives to the fullest.....easy to say hard to do......
Here's to Love in our hearts and hoping you all have a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.
Love forever...........Roger and Dianne
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
November ! ! Really?
Hi all,
Here it is November and the Holidays are Approaching. I wish that I could get excited about them and in my heart I know that I will, but in my soul....well it is aching for Roger.
He is "hanging in there" as the saying goes....he is not bedridden nor does he act really, really sick, but you know that he is on tons of pain meds now just to keep him from suffering horribly.
Hospice comes about once every two weeks and surveys everything. Roger always puts on a pretty good act for them....in my mind, I know he still wants to be that strong and confident man I married.
This November, marks this dreadful disease that he has been fighting, fifth year. Some of the months have been ok, but it absolutely stripped our marriage and took it to a much challenged level.
I struggel with knowing what to say and when...how to treat him....with confidence and hope? with pure blunt reality of what this disease is doing to him and to us? I just don't know! ! !
Roger still is not a complainer. He still gets visits from dear friends and family. This week all the way from Nebraska. His cousins Larry and Doreen came just to visit with him and Roger's Mom. Thanks for the Honey and the visit, Roger and I loved it !!!
A very loving and good friend just told me the other day that when her father was ill and dying he would get upset because he said he felt that every day that he was alive just made him that more longing for the life he used to have. Roger is kinda like a prisoner and his life and life experiences are very small now andI know feels that same way sometimes. People say he looks so good, but the reality is, he has lost about 40 pounds and granted he is very tan (from sitting outside and reading his millions of books) the CANCER is on the inside just eating away his life of doing anything, but sitting in a chair and reading to get away from the thought that he has cancer ....if only for a while in his mind.
We don't know how it has progressed other than the pain meds have been increased significantly in the last month.
His appetite goes up and down as does his attitude......I am so helpless in this struggle to make everything alright.
Again I just ask you to pray for peace and understanding
With love,
Dianne
Here it is November and the Holidays are Approaching. I wish that I could get excited about them and in my heart I know that I will, but in my soul....well it is aching for Roger.
He is "hanging in there" as the saying goes....he is not bedridden nor does he act really, really sick, but you know that he is on tons of pain meds now just to keep him from suffering horribly.
Hospice comes about once every two weeks and surveys everything. Roger always puts on a pretty good act for them....in my mind, I know he still wants to be that strong and confident man I married.
This November, marks this dreadful disease that he has been fighting, fifth year. Some of the months have been ok, but it absolutely stripped our marriage and took it to a much challenged level.
I struggel with knowing what to say and when...how to treat him....with confidence and hope? with pure blunt reality of what this disease is doing to him and to us? I just don't know! ! !
Roger still is not a complainer. He still gets visits from dear friends and family. This week all the way from Nebraska. His cousins Larry and Doreen came just to visit with him and Roger's Mom. Thanks for the Honey and the visit, Roger and I loved it !!!
A very loving and good friend just told me the other day that when her father was ill and dying he would get upset because he said he felt that every day that he was alive just made him that more longing for the life he used to have. Roger is kinda like a prisoner and his life and life experiences are very small now andI know feels that same way sometimes. People say he looks so good, but the reality is, he has lost about 40 pounds and granted he is very tan (from sitting outside and reading his millions of books) the CANCER is on the inside just eating away his life of doing anything, but sitting in a chair and reading to get away from the thought that he has cancer ....if only for a while in his mind.
We don't know how it has progressed other than the pain meds have been increased significantly in the last month.
His appetite goes up and down as does his attitude......I am so helpless in this struggle to make everything alright.
Again I just ask you to pray for peace and understanding
With love,
Dianne
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
OCTOBERFEST / TORBECKFEST
CANNOT BELIEVE THAT IT IS OCTOBER AND THE LEAVES ARE CHANGING AND SO ARE WE.
ROGER AND I HAVE HAD HOSPICE IN NOW FOR A WHILE AND THEY SEEM TO HELP ROGER GET A HOLD OF HIS PAIN AND THEN THE DISEASE PROGRESSES AND HE IS BACK TO SUFFERING UNTIL HE AGREES TO TAKE ON MORE OF THE PAIN MEDICATION. IT DOES MAKE HIM MORE SLEEPY...IN FACT YESTERDAY MORNING I KEPT THINKING THAT HE WAS GOING TO GET UP AND IT WAS 10:30 am AND I WENT IN THE BEDROOM TO SEE HIM AND THERE HE AND THE CAT (DEAN) WERE SLEEPING STILL LIKE LITTLE BABIES.
HE STILL READS A LOT BUT NOW THAT EVEN MAKES HIM SLEEPY. I GUESS IT IS A TRADE OFF........BE SLEEPY OR BE IN EXTREME PAIN?
ROGER'S BROTHER IS HERE FOR A WEEK TAKING CARE OF SOME THINGS FOR THEIR MOM. SHE IS STILL GOING PRETTY STRONG, BUT NEEDS HELP WITH SOME THINGS OF WHICH ROGER JUST CANNOT DO ANYMORE.
BY THE SOUNDS OF IT, WE SHOULD HAVE A BIG THANKSGIVING AT THE TORBECK RANCH......JEFF AND FAMILY.....CHAD AND FAMILY....KEN AND SONNY (his girlfriend) JOHN AND DORIS, GERT AND AUNT WILMA.........I JUST HOPE THAT ROGER IS UP FOR THAT.....WE WILL JUST MAKE IT WORK SOMEHOW ! ? ! ?
THIS TIME OF YEAR WE TEND TO REFLECT AND BE THANKFUL FOR ALL OF THE BLESSINGS THAT WE HAVE HAD AND HAVE SHARED WITH ALL OF YOU......OUR NEWEST BLESSING IS OUR BABY JOLIE FAITH HANSON BORN TO JEFF AND JOLENE ON OCT 1, 2010. WE HAVE NOT SEEN HER YET, BUT WE HOPE TO ON THANKSGIVING.
PRAY FOR PEACE, LOVE AND UNDERSTANDING the world would be a better place if all of these were to come true
until next time Dianne and Roger
ROGER AND I HAVE HAD HOSPICE IN NOW FOR A WHILE AND THEY SEEM TO HELP ROGER GET A HOLD OF HIS PAIN AND THEN THE DISEASE PROGRESSES AND HE IS BACK TO SUFFERING UNTIL HE AGREES TO TAKE ON MORE OF THE PAIN MEDICATION. IT DOES MAKE HIM MORE SLEEPY...IN FACT YESTERDAY MORNING I KEPT THINKING THAT HE WAS GOING TO GET UP AND IT WAS 10:30 am AND I WENT IN THE BEDROOM TO SEE HIM AND THERE HE AND THE CAT (DEAN) WERE SLEEPING STILL LIKE LITTLE BABIES.
HE STILL READS A LOT BUT NOW THAT EVEN MAKES HIM SLEEPY. I GUESS IT IS A TRADE OFF........BE SLEEPY OR BE IN EXTREME PAIN?
ROGER'S BROTHER IS HERE FOR A WEEK TAKING CARE OF SOME THINGS FOR THEIR MOM. SHE IS STILL GOING PRETTY STRONG, BUT NEEDS HELP WITH SOME THINGS OF WHICH ROGER JUST CANNOT DO ANYMORE.
BY THE SOUNDS OF IT, WE SHOULD HAVE A BIG THANKSGIVING AT THE TORBECK RANCH......JEFF AND FAMILY.....CHAD AND FAMILY....KEN AND SONNY (his girlfriend) JOHN AND DORIS, GERT AND AUNT WILMA.........I JUST HOPE THAT ROGER IS UP FOR THAT.....WE WILL JUST MAKE IT WORK SOMEHOW ! ? ! ?
THIS TIME OF YEAR WE TEND TO REFLECT AND BE THANKFUL FOR ALL OF THE BLESSINGS THAT WE HAVE HAD AND HAVE SHARED WITH ALL OF YOU......OUR NEWEST BLESSING IS OUR BABY JOLIE FAITH HANSON BORN TO JEFF AND JOLENE ON OCT 1, 2010. WE HAVE NOT SEEN HER YET, BUT WE HOPE TO ON THANKSGIVING.
PRAY FOR PEACE, LOVE AND UNDERSTANDING the world would be a better place if all of these were to come true
until next time Dianne and Roger
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Short but Sweet
Hello all who are following this blog................
Roger is definitely holding his own at this point.....had visits from his son and brother and that always seems to keep him going........
His pain management from Hospice has been OK, and as a matter of fact they came today and said there is no reason why someone has to endure any pain and they would try to help as much a possible so that Roger would be able to do some of the things that he is afraid of doing because he suffers so badly afterwards because of the pain.......
Roger's son and brother were here for a few days and you can always see him do better when there is something to do better for.......so don't be afraid to come and see him or to call him....he loves knowing that people want to see him, although he is a little embarressed that he has lost so much weight and those"bird" legs of his are really" bird legs".......
We try to keep positive and most of all laugh every day.....He has his moments and so do I , but with great friends and family how can anyone be mad?
Love to all of you and hope to see or hear from you soon.
Roger and Dianne
Roger is definitely holding his own at this point.....had visits from his son and brother and that always seems to keep him going........
His pain management from Hospice has been OK, and as a matter of fact they came today and said there is no reason why someone has to endure any pain and they would try to help as much a possible so that Roger would be able to do some of the things that he is afraid of doing because he suffers so badly afterwards because of the pain.......
Roger's son and brother were here for a few days and you can always see him do better when there is something to do better for.......so don't be afraid to come and see him or to call him....he loves knowing that people want to see him, although he is a little embarressed that he has lost so much weight and those"bird" legs of his are really" bird legs".......
We try to keep positive and most of all laugh every day.....He has his moments and so do I , but with great friends and family how can anyone be mad?
Love to all of you and hope to see or hear from you soon.
Roger and Dianne
Saturday, August 21, 2010
ITS AMAZING
WOW where does the time go?
Since I last wrote Roger and I have called in Hospice and their "team" as they call themselves.They have been here a couple of times. The nurse, the social worker, the Chaplain, the CNA, the Doctor and the Physcologist. We feel like royalty with our own staff. They are wonderful people.
Roger decided that he did not want to keep filling his body with chemicals that just made him sicker and also that he would be basically a trail study and have to go to Denver everyday. The cancer is ramp'ed in his bones now, but the good news for now is his Hospice team has seemed to get the right combination of drugs to allow him to be about a 1 or 2 pain level and not a 9 or 10 like it was. His appetite is better and his mental is better also.
He is excited to have his son visit over the Labor day weekend and also his brother.
Roger still cannot play golf or anything physical, but his friend and neighbor Larry keeps him busy with his grandson's fixer-up Pick up and other projects regarding cars. Thank you Larry ( if only I could get you to quit chewing) Roger still reads a lot and neighbors of ours got him a subscription to Netflex and he loves getting movies in the mail....Thanks Patti and Mark. ! ! ! Other neighbors help with filling in concrete holes and bringing eggs and oh ! !...and fish too (Mark and Laurie--- Neal and Donna) We have such a great bunch out here and I thank each and everyone of you. Some other friends bring by Zuchinni Bread and flowers and cards and love and prayers.......we just cannot thank you all enough..Rogers "good ole boy group" takes him to lunch or brings it by when Roger is feeling up to it and lately he has ! ! ! thanks Donnie and Mort and Tom and Barry and Kelly and any of you that go to lunch with Roger.....it really helps to get him out and about.
So I just wanted to make sure that amongst all of the bad news and stories that I pass along to all who read this, there is some good, too.
I must not forget you, Helen and Joe....you always keep in touch and we thank you for that and you too Dan and Carol and Tim and Lynda and Shirley and Terry.....If I have forgotten anyone please know that I don't mean to ...I can now blame it on my age....60 is a hard age to live up to or should I say actually BE......there is no benefit other than I think that now I can put pink flamingos and other yard art out and no one will fault me for it or think I am weird, just old.......
Take care everyone and keep those prayers coming ....I think that he is hearing us and wanting to help also. It's AMAZING ! ! !
Since I last wrote Roger and I have called in Hospice and their "team" as they call themselves.They have been here a couple of times. The nurse, the social worker, the Chaplain, the CNA, the Doctor and the Physcologist. We feel like royalty with our own staff. They are wonderful people.
Roger decided that he did not want to keep filling his body with chemicals that just made him sicker and also that he would be basically a trail study and have to go to Denver everyday. The cancer is ramp'ed in his bones now, but the good news for now is his Hospice team has seemed to get the right combination of drugs to allow him to be about a 1 or 2 pain level and not a 9 or 10 like it was. His appetite is better and his mental is better also.
He is excited to have his son visit over the Labor day weekend and also his brother.
Roger still cannot play golf or anything physical, but his friend and neighbor Larry keeps him busy with his grandson's fixer-up Pick up and other projects regarding cars. Thank you Larry ( if only I could get you to quit chewing) Roger still reads a lot and neighbors of ours got him a subscription to Netflex and he loves getting movies in the mail....Thanks Patti and Mark. ! ! ! Other neighbors help with filling in concrete holes and bringing eggs and oh ! !...and fish too (Mark and Laurie--- Neal and Donna) We have such a great bunch out here and I thank each and everyone of you. Some other friends bring by Zuchinni Bread and flowers and cards and love and prayers.......we just cannot thank you all enough..Rogers "good ole boy group" takes him to lunch or brings it by when Roger is feeling up to it and lately he has ! ! ! thanks Donnie and Mort and Tom and Barry and Kelly and any of you that go to lunch with Roger.....it really helps to get him out and about.
So I just wanted to make sure that amongst all of the bad news and stories that I pass along to all who read this, there is some good, too.
I must not forget you, Helen and Joe....you always keep in touch and we thank you for that and you too Dan and Carol and Tim and Lynda and Shirley and Terry.....If I have forgotten anyone please know that I don't mean to ...I can now blame it on my age....60 is a hard age to live up to or should I say actually BE......there is no benefit other than I think that now I can put pink flamingos and other yard art out and no one will fault me for it or think I am weird, just old.......
Take care everyone and keep those prayers coming ....I think that he is hearing us and wanting to help also. It's AMAZING ! ! !
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Since we last talked (or wrote)
Not much to say this time but yet I think that I need to write a few things down........
Roger is in pain of which he endures every day throughout the day and sometimes even into the night...his pain makes him weak and upset .....well lets say he is not himself and hasn't been for a long long time......
Those of you who wonder "what can we do?" well, there is really nothing but just to laugh often, love, and care about people daily. We know that all of you are with us in spirit....I just wish that I could make all of you understand what it is like and then again I want to protect you and Roger from all of this madness.
I am powerless, as all of you. We just must believe that somehow, someday this crazy life here on earth, was worth it and was worth living no matter how short or long of a time we are here.
Hospice will now be involved in our process and I say ours because in life and death it usually involves other people. We welcome you to be as involved or non-involved as you want or need to be....
I have a deep and abiding faith that this is not all there is.
We just must get thru this earthly trial to be free from burden.......
These words don't seem to be mine and I am writing this to all to be with us in this time of trial....because we will all be faced with it at some point in time and I don't think that any of us are truely ready for it.
Roger would love to hear from you with a card or a call....He just is not very social in person anymore, but you can ask him yourself if he would like you to visit him......I will totally let that up to him....his cell is 303-775-1972.....Hope he doesn't kill me for that....but all of you that know the old Roger would already know his phone number.
Take care and I hope that this didn't sound like a sermon....it was meant to be quite the opposite .... As we all know, Roger does not like to attend church.....I know that his mother has accepted that long ago.
With love in our hearts for all of you who read this,
Roger and Dianne
Quote for the day " You never know how strong you really are until being strong is the only choice you really have"
Roger is in pain of which he endures every day throughout the day and sometimes even into the night...his pain makes him weak and upset .....well lets say he is not himself and hasn't been for a long long time......
Those of you who wonder "what can we do?" well, there is really nothing but just to laugh often, love, and care about people daily. We know that all of you are with us in spirit....I just wish that I could make all of you understand what it is like and then again I want to protect you and Roger from all of this madness.
I am powerless, as all of you. We just must believe that somehow, someday this crazy life here on earth, was worth it and was worth living no matter how short or long of a time we are here.
Hospice will now be involved in our process and I say ours because in life and death it usually involves other people. We welcome you to be as involved or non-involved as you want or need to be....
I have a deep and abiding faith that this is not all there is.
We just must get thru this earthly trial to be free from burden.......
These words don't seem to be mine and I am writing this to all to be with us in this time of trial....because we will all be faced with it at some point in time and I don't think that any of us are truely ready for it.
Roger would love to hear from you with a card or a call....He just is not very social in person anymore, but you can ask him yourself if he would like you to visit him......I will totally let that up to him....his cell is 303-775-1972.....Hope he doesn't kill me for that....but all of you that know the old Roger would already know his phone number.
Take care and I hope that this didn't sound like a sermon....it was meant to be quite the opposite .... As we all know, Roger does not like to attend church.....I know that his mother has accepted that long ago.
With love in our hearts for all of you who read this,
Roger and Dianne
Quote for the day " You never know how strong you really are until being strong is the only choice you really have"
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Decision Time
Roger has been faced with a vry difficult decesion after his Doctor's appointment yesterday (Friday July 9
Dr Barnett gave us the report that the pet scan and the MRI showed progression of the prostate cancer in Roger's bones....Spine, shoulders, ribs, arms legs.......It has not invaded his organs at this time...nonetheless his cancer is not responding to anything that they have given him.....Zomita injections will still be given to help strengthen weakend bones due to the cancer....small dose of steroids for pain tolerance and for appettite and Dr. has doubled the dose of fentynol pain patch so that Roger won't have to pop so many percocets when his pain isn't tolerable. Dr. offered Roger to go to Denver to see his colleague at the cancer center there, again for any trial studies Roger might fit the criteria for, to also see if he could get a drug that is currently being used for women and breast cancer that has metastisized to the bone (FDA approved for use in women with breast cancer but not for men with prostate cancer yet) Dr. Barnett is going to work on getting approval somehow for Roger if he can. Roger's bones are so fragile now because of the cancer that if he were to do anything to break any of his spine...it would create a whole new set of problems such as his spinal fluid and surgery to fix the bones that were damaging the spinal fluid.
The other to consider is Hospice at this time if he choses not to go forth with any trial treatments.
Well, I could go on and on and know that some of you want to know the details so it is easier to comprehend that Roger is really not doing very well. His spirit has been broken and I hear him talk to some of you on the phone and he still keeps his sense of humor....He has never once said "why me?" , but he would like everyone to know that sometimes the fight isn't worth the battle. I will and am doing everything in my power to help him through this very difficult fight. He came into my life when I really needed him and gave me his strong hand and his reassuring deep voice to show me my life was still worth living. I must be by his side with whatever decesion he makes about his upcoming treatments or care in his life and I know you all will do the same..... BECAUSE WE LOVE HIM
Dr Barnett gave us the report that the pet scan and the MRI showed progression of the prostate cancer in Roger's bones....Spine, shoulders, ribs, arms legs.......It has not invaded his organs at this time...nonetheless his cancer is not responding to anything that they have given him.....Zomita injections will still be given to help strengthen weakend bones due to the cancer....small dose of steroids for pain tolerance and for appettite and Dr. has doubled the dose of fentynol pain patch so that Roger won't have to pop so many percocets when his pain isn't tolerable. Dr. offered Roger to go to Denver to see his colleague at the cancer center there, again for any trial studies Roger might fit the criteria for, to also see if he could get a drug that is currently being used for women and breast cancer that has metastisized to the bone (FDA approved for use in women with breast cancer but not for men with prostate cancer yet) Dr. Barnett is going to work on getting approval somehow for Roger if he can. Roger's bones are so fragile now because of the cancer that if he were to do anything to break any of his spine...it would create a whole new set of problems such as his spinal fluid and surgery to fix the bones that were damaging the spinal fluid.
The other to consider is Hospice at this time if he choses not to go forth with any trial treatments.
Well, I could go on and on and know that some of you want to know the details so it is easier to comprehend that Roger is really not doing very well. His spirit has been broken and I hear him talk to some of you on the phone and he still keeps his sense of humor....He has never once said "why me?" , but he would like everyone to know that sometimes the fight isn't worth the battle. I will and am doing everything in my power to help him through this very difficult fight. He came into my life when I really needed him and gave me his strong hand and his reassuring deep voice to show me my life was still worth living. I must be by his side with whatever decesion he makes about his upcoming treatments or care in his life and I know you all will do the same..... BECAUSE WE LOVE HIM
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