November ! ! Really?

Hi all,

Here it is November and the Holidays are Approaching. I wish that I could get excited about them and in my heart I know that I will, but in my soul....well it is aching for Roger.
He is "hanging in there" as the saying goes....he is not bedridden nor does he act really, really sick, but you know that he is on tons of pain meds now just to keep him from suffering horribly.
Hospice comes about once every two weeks and surveys everything. Roger always puts on a pretty good act for them....in my mind, I know he still wants to be that strong and confident man I married.
This November, marks this dreadful disease that he has been fighting, fifth year. Some of the months have been ok, but it absolutely stripped our marriage and took it to a much challenged level.
I struggel with knowing what to say and when...how to treat him....with confidence and hope? with pure blunt reality of what this disease is doing to him and to us? I just don't know! ! !
Roger still is not a complainer. He still gets visits from dear friends and family. This week all the way from Nebraska. His cousins Larry and Doreen came just to visit with him and Roger's Mom. Thanks for the Honey and the visit, Roger and I loved it !!!
A very loving and good friend just told me the other day that when her father was ill and dying he would get upset because he said he felt that every day that he was alive just made him that more longing for the life he used to have. Roger is kinda like a prisoner and his life and life experiences are very small now andI know feels that same way sometimes. People say he looks so good, but the reality is, he has lost about 40 pounds and granted he is very tan (from sitting outside and reading his millions of books) the CANCER is on the inside just eating away his life of doing anything, but sitting in a chair and reading to get away from the thought that he has cancer ....if only for a while in his mind.
We don't know how it has progressed other than the pain meds have been increased significantly in the last month.
His appetite goes up and down as does his attitude......I am so helpless in this struggle to make everything alright.
Again I just ask you to pray for peace and understanding
With love,
Dianne